What do you “see” when you hear the word self-love? Do you see people embracing themselves? Or you could see a stack of self-help books written by new-age gurus.
While the term may be something we hear a lot of these days, the truth is self-love has been around for as long as humans have existed. In addition, recent studies prove the importance of self-love for overall wellness. Other studies on pursuing perfectionism have shown that self-compassion and acceptance are essential to strong self-awareness and perception.
How many of us have been taught that we will find perfection if we aim for excellence? Unfortunately, the truth is nothing in nature is flawless. This continual focus on the minute details of everything has been linked to chronic conditions such as eating disorders, depression, suicidal tendencies, anxiety and more.
Kristen Neff, a professor at the University of Texas Human Development professor, says, “Love, connection, and acceptance are your birthright.” But, unfortunately, the pursuit of perfectionism inherently removes this birthright from us.
The issue comes with our inner critics and their push for perfectionism. Paul Hewitt, a clinical psychologist, likens the inner critic of perfectionists to “a nasty adult beating the crap out of a tiny child.”
If you live in a Western-based society, you may have spent years developing and growing an inner bully. An easy way to determine if you have an inner bully is to listen to how you talk to yourself the next time you miss a deadline, or something doesn’t turn out the way you expect.
Suppose you hear a critical voice, harsh language and the like, especially over something trivial or minor. In that case, it indicates that you have a strong inner critic that isn’t serving you.
The good news is that if you identify with the inner critic, self-compassion isn’t out of your reach. Psychologists have shown that you can learn self-love.
What Makes up Self-Love?
- Acceptance (recognizing that to be human is to have flaws),
- Self-kindness (treating oneself with compassion and forgiveness), and
- Mindfulness (a state of being conscious of something while being present in the moment. This means acknowledging and accepting feelings, thoughts, and physical responses).
Studies have shown that exercises in self-love lower levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) while increasing heart rate variability, which is how our bodies physiologically respond to stressful circumstances.
We’ve briefly talked about listening to yourself. But what does that mean? While we explored earlier that it is paying attention to how we speak to ourselves. The other part of listening to ourselves is to ask, “What do I need?” in stressful moments. This question drives to the heart of self-compassion.
Stopping to consider what we need forces us to reframe our responses and the words we use when we talk to ourselves. This reframing allows for kinder words and forgiveness, which drives us to self-compassion.
Another way to consider self-love is to write a letter to yourself that is who you would write a friend going through what you are going through. You will most likely speak to your friend in a loving and caring tone. You deserve the same words and attitude.
What does self-love look like?
Self-love is as varied as the people who populate this earth. It may show up as relearning to take pleasure in daily things, such as the beauty around us. As children, we were likely to get caught up in the world’s magic, the way the clouds move across the sky, the freedom of bare feet on the warm grass, and so on.
Practices such as “Sense and Savor Walk” and “Mindful Eating,” which focus our attention on the environment or fully appreciate food, have been proven to increase self-love. This is because these techniques demand that we live in the moment and listen to ourselves.
Meditation is frequently brought up as a way to find self-love. If you are looking for examples of easy, guided meditations that help you reach this goal, consider free materials online, such as the one linked above.
Yoga is frequently brought up as a form of self-love. Some recent studies have shown that yoga poses can help build up our self-esteem and energy levels in a way that power poses cannot do. Some scientists believe this is because yoga lets us get in touch with our bodies and find pleasure in the movements while keeping the inner critic still.
Another form of self-love is to do something for someone else. I know this sounds strange since we are talking about taking time for yourself, but by giving back to someone, you can also find a space to give more to yourself.
How Can I Apply Self-Love?
I know from experience that living with chronic conditions is hard. I also know that when I treat myself with kindness and practice awareness, I can manage the symptoms better. I also know that the more I treat myself with proper respect and compassion, the more I grow as a person. Personal growth and a clear vision of myself are essential to living beyond chronic illness. If you are feeling lost in the ocean of self-love and self-care ideas, or you don’t know where to begin, let’s connect and get you back to living life beyond chronic illness. Supportegy Wellness provides chronic illness support through various proven ways, including chronic illness support groups.